The Knowing of Him

When i first met Jesus in my teenage, i was like a burning fire. I was thirsty with the Word, i was eagerly serving Him, i was letting go all fears and burdens. I was like a prisoner given a pass to freedom. A sinner saved by Grace. Redeemed and loved by the Almighty Himselves.



But i also remember that i still sensed a burden of displeasing the Lord each time i did something wrong. Many times i woke up after midnight, rushed to open my bible to read yesterday's passage because i was afraid that i will be punished of not reading the bible routinely. I still believe that the salvation is forever mine through Jesus's blood, but He would still punish me for each of my wrongdoings.



Years after that, i found myself still serving Him, still enjoying the relationship with the Creator, and within myself, but inside me, i developed a sense of pride. Like what Paul's said in Phil 3:5



4 though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.





My version would be: I received Jesus since very young, i never touched dirty stuffs, i was a virgin when i married, i brought people to Jesus since Highschool, i served the Lord throughout my college years. I arranged many revivals, i became a leader in my faculty, i knew this i knew that... and blablablah... I was proud for what i consider my righteousness. My obidience. My works. My faultless past and youth.



I never regretted those years of my life, it was definitely good times. But the thing is, i stole much of the glory that belongs to Jesus as my own glory and achievement. The focus was on "me doing right things for the Lord" instead of focusing on "what Jesus done for me" brought me into a new state of my life. At the time when our prayer for a child has not been answered, i felt bitter. I was mad. I was confused.



I tought i did all what's right. I don't know what held those blessings from my life? I keep repeating the question, "Why God? Why after all these times i served You?. Didn't You remember that?".



I began to think that i had a sin or did something so bad that must be punished by God. I still believed strongly that i'm saved, but the punishment for my sin is still on. Especially when i get intouch to the teachings about curse, deliverance, generational curse etc. My fear went to the rooftop. Is it because of my sins? Or my parent's sins? Or my grand grand grand parent's? But if there were such things, why couldn't God protect me from all that? Is He the one who has all the power? I found myself more aware of sins and devil's power than Christ's finished work at the cross.



Then i miscarriaged our baby, the days after the event, i went living my life as a convicted person. He's gotta be punishing me for something or else i wouldn't be going through this thing. How could it be? A person who know Jesus, serves Him throughout her life feels like living in a constant torment of punishment from God?


How foolish i was!!!



After all these times studying bible, serving Him and knowing Him, i was failed to understand the basic Truth.



Christ has been my redeemer, and i'm saved forever. Christ has bore ALL my sins on the cross so that i'm free from every punishment of my sin. My past and future sins are FORGIVEN forever by His death on the cross, and His ressurection bring my everlasting RIGTEOUSNESS in front of our Heavenly Father. It's not by what i've done, it's what His Done.

So what was that about me did something wrong and God would punish me? If i claim that as a truth, that i'd say the blood of Christ was NOT ENOUGH to redeemed me. I knew Jesus is the beloved Son of God, and His death on the cross was so highly praised by God. And the reason that He gave His only Son is because He so loved me (John 3:16).

The cross of Jesus brings no condemnation for me (Romans 6:1). Whatever i did wrong, all has been paid, even overpaid by Christ on the cross. Since i've been redeemed, forgiven, justified by my faith through Christ Jesus that means i have peace with God. Like Paul said;

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:1)


It has nothing to do with what i done. It's about what Christ has done.

And like Paul said next in Philipians 3:8;



8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ


Everything i had done are rubbish compare to the knowing of my Lord Jesus.

I'm saved, forgiven, deeply favored and blessed by God because of what Jesus did in the cross qualified me. The moment i realize the truth about His Grace, all the bitterness i felt disappeared.

Now i understand why Paul's prayer for the church of Ephesians was for them to know more of Jesus's love for them.

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16:19)

I never regretted what i've done to the Lord in my past years. I regretted every wrong motives i had back then. I'm sure there were many times i obey Him because I love Him, but i admit that many times i was driven by the fear of punishments, the yearning to be acknowledged by others, the feeling of self righteousnes

Those motives are all behind me now.

My one and only yearning right now is to know His love for me, for i'm sure that His love would drive me to love Him and love others more. To hate sin and avoid bad things easier.