How To Earn Grace

It's december and christmas is coming!



I remember back then when i was in highschool, december would be the busiest time of the year. I'd spent so many hours doing rehearsal for Christmas party, having meetings to arrange things, not to mention attending many invitations from other schools and institutions. When other teenagers were spending their saturday nights dating with their girlfriend/boyfriend, i'd spent it having meetings and worship gatherings. At that time, i too wanted to date like normal girl, but i always wanted a relationship that last until marriage, and since it's only gonna happen years ahead, i took my time and focused on my service. Although i can't really tell was that the real reason i wasn't dating or just my defense mechanism. HAH!



And then in my university years, still serving Him. I spent my times arranging many revivals, being a leader of bible study, studying, analyzing bible with bible scholars until my mind was filled with many doctrines, interpretations, exegeises. I felt full of the knowledge of Him, at the point that i could sense a wrong teaching being preached, and judge the preacher!!! Nevertheless, I was enjoying my time, and i sense His blessing all over my life.



I thought i was doing well, rather succesfully -if you know what i mean- all the requirements that the Bible told me to do for being a good Christian. And then the time come when i realize that God has not given me the one blessing that me and my husband wanted so much. I keep wondering why and why. I looked at some people around me, and having known them for quite long, i realized that they're not as succesful as i am in pleasing God with their past (-as in i thought i was-). But why in the world that they have the blessing that i want so easy? So effortlessly?



I compare my life with them, how i never did this sin nor did that sin, it is supposed to be me who get those blessings. It supposed to be me, me and ME. Once, i said to God that i was sorry i served Him. I wished i spent my teenagers doing bad things, having pre-marital sex before marriage, taking drugs and all, because it seems that He didn't care of what good i have done in my life.



Until the lowest point of my life came, and i thought i'd gone mad. I was mad why He allowed this thing to happen for people like me. I mean, yeah, me... the faithful child?. Then i thought was i that faithful? Weren't there many times i failed, weren't there were many times i avoid serving Him? What about that particular time when i was deliberately hurting someone's feeling? The thought of my wrong doings came like a river into my head until i felt so tired, i told God, "I've failed. I've nothing to boast about. You're right, i don't deserve any good things in life".



At that time i felt that He was so far away. Someone so unreachable, unable to be understood. When i heard a preacher said that we are the beloved children of God, my heart laugh cynically. Who are those lucky ones, i thought. And the preacher speak of the verse in romans 8:1 Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. This verse spoke in my heart and mind like a martyl being slapped into a brickwall. I know i am in Christ, then there is no condemnation for me.



Then why should i think endlessly about my wrongdoings? Or even worst, why should i condemned people for their wrong doings? He has been punished for my sins and their sins, it is by His grace we are free from all condemnations.



8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:4-5, NIV)





I always thought that i'm better from many people, because i've do righteous things. But i realized that even if i did many wrongdoings, those sins are also has been paid by Jesus blood. It's by grace i'm saved, not by my works.



That brings me to conclusion; me who (i thought) has a past with flying colors, and people (who i thought) passed theirs with many red marks, we all have the same position before God. Whether we did less or we did more, it's all been paid up in the cross. So now, if everyone in Christ receive the same righteousness through faith (Romans 3:22) how could i make judgement which of us merit this blessings or that blessings? I forgot that the reason why i am able to avoid doing sins is also because of His unmerited providence. Without His power, i'd fall here and there.

Now i know exactly how the pharisees felt when they saw Jesus bless and heals all the sinners, prostitutes, tax collector and all. Those pharisess were jealous and bitter. I was like one of those pharisees, i too jealous and bitter when i saw "undeserved" people being blessed. I count so much on my own efforts, that i become self-righteous. I forget what grace really means. It's simply an undeserved and unmerited favor from God.


If i want more of His grace in my life, i should be an undeservee. Knowing that i deserved nothing, but only through Jesus, i could depend faithfully on His mercy and kindness.