Simply a Beginner

Last week i wasn't really well. Not sick or whatever, just a bit gloomy. Hubby's leaving town to work, and i'm alone. I keep listening to Curry Blake's DHT files every night but i can not push my self to read daily devotional from Joseph Prince. Each of ps Prince's sermons describe the goodness of God and at that time i just couldn't picture Him as a kind God.

I saw a photograph of a newly born son of a friend. It's her second child. She has infertility problems but manage to deliver 2 healthy babies.

I realize that most of my friends who had infertility issues have already had children right now.

I remember the moment i miscarried two years ago. It's almost impossible to relate that God is kind but He also allowed me to experience the tragedy of loosing a child. Maybe part of it was my fault, because i didn't know that it is not God's will for people to miscarry. Thus, i didn't have the faith to confess or claim whatsoever. But i wished God would've told me the truth before.

I felt condemned.

I lost my peace and joy, and even had sleeping problems.

But today, while watching TV, the Holy Spirit speak through my conscience. He said, "Be a student, learn everything from the basics".

I felt sudden peace. I realized that all this time i over analyze everything. I put God into my system of thinking, about justice, kindness and love. When i found that God violates the system in my head, i blamed Him.

This morning i said to God, "I'm a student now Papa. Let me learn Your love, show how it works in my life. I don't want to judge You, i don't want to blame You for anything from now on. I just want to learn. Please reveal to me everything that i need to know about You. "

I'm the student and He is the teacher.