Simply a Beginner

Last week i wasn't really well. Not sick or whatever, just a bit gloomy. Hubby's leaving town to work, and i'm alone. I keep listening to Curry Blake's DHT files every night but i can not push my self to read daily devotional from Joseph Prince. Each of ps Prince's sermons describe the goodness of God and at that time i just couldn't picture Him as a kind God.

I saw a photograph of a newly born son of a friend. It's her second child. She has infertility problems but manage to deliver 2 healthy babies.

I realize that most of my friends who had infertility issues have already had children right now.

I remember the moment i miscarried two years ago. It's almost impossible to relate that God is kind but He also allowed me to experience the tragedy of loosing a child. Maybe part of it was my fault, because i didn't know that it is not God's will for people to miscarry. Thus, i didn't have the faith to confess or claim whatsoever. But i wished God would've told me the truth before.

I felt condemned.

I lost my peace and joy, and even had sleeping problems.

But today, while watching TV, the Holy Spirit speak through my conscience. He said, "Be a student, learn everything from the basics".

I felt sudden peace. I realized that all this time i over analyze everything. I put God into my system of thinking, about justice, kindness and love. When i found that God violates the system in my head, i blamed Him.

This morning i said to God, "I'm a student now Papa. Let me learn Your love, show how it works in my life. I don't want to judge You, i don't want to blame You for anything from now on. I just want to learn. Please reveal to me everything that i need to know about You. "

I'm the student and He is the teacher.

The Best Description

I quote this from Steve McVey:

Life in Christ is certainly not a passive lifestyle but neither is it a lifestyle of religious hyperactivity either. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Resting in Him means that we live our lives knowing that He holds us safely in His arms and that His loving embrace carries us through every situation we face in life. Sometimes our lifestyles will involve external activity and at other times it will involve outward inactivity, but at all times we are enjoying His divine hug.

The Prayer

A couple of days ago I was feeling down because I sensed that my period is coming. Also, there were additional causes, another pre-birth anouncement from relative, people i met who accused me of not working hard enough to have a baby, etc etc etc.

I was not feeling right. I knew i should reach out to His grace. I knew that i should guard my heart, not to worry and keep my peace as the only thing God told me to do. But sometimes it's plain hard. My best friend a.k.a hubby was at work and he seemed to lost idea of how to cheer me.

So he prayed.

At first, I felt a bit reluctant. I was angry. But i listened to everything that he said to God. Not to long after that I sensed something different. It's like a flood of peace and joy came rushing from heaven above upon us. I felt like God was hugging us both, He didn't seem to be troubled with the fact me and hubby on different island. I felt the three of us, me, Him and my husband were on the same spot together.

After praying, hubby asked, "Do you feel it?" . "Yes" I said with tears on my cheek.

We trust by faith, not by feelings. But now I knew that God doesn't mind reaching out to us. Making known of His presence. Telling us directly how much He loves us.

With the peace and joy back on track, I found that guarding my heart becoming an easy task. I'm glad God moves when we need His help.

The Kingdom of God

Is righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17)

Is not in word but in power. (1 Corinthians 4:20)

Is within us (Luke 17:21)

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33)

Teaching, Preaching, Healing

Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. (Matthew 9:35).

He sent them to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. (Luke 9:2)

But when the multitudes knew it, they followed Him; and He received them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who had need of healing. (Luke 9:11)

And heal the sick there, and say to them, 'The kingdom of God has come near to you. (Luke10:9)

It seems that teaching, preaching and healing was one complete package in Jesus' Ministry. Notice also that almost everytime the bible mention the kingdom of God were being preached, the sick also being healed. Hallelujah!

What War Are You In?

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. (2 Corinthians 10:4)

Whatever that is, know that you have the most effective weapons that have divine power...

His Answer

I was driving my car this morning. Feeling a little gloomy due to recent circumstances that happen in my life. I speak to the Lord, "There apparently nothing's change in my life between now and two years ago. While everyone's having the answer of their prayer, my situation hasn't changed."

Then i heard Him asnwered me in my heart: "Maybe you could not see the differences, but from my eyes, I see your life changed so much these past two years".

I realized He was right.

Our circumstances might not changed from outside. But my relationship with Jesus has changed so dramatically this past years. I would never want to go back to the kind of relationship i had with Him back then.

So many things has changed in my life. My worries, fears and anxieties were gone. I found myself less judgmental towards people. I enjoy life easily, no matter what happen in my life. I couldn't say my prayer time is improving because now i don't have "prayer time", i just talk to Father God all day. I couldn't also said my "quite time" is more routinely done because i don't have a routine quite time. But i listen to sermon CDs every time i had the chance and open my bible anytime throughout the day.

I think of Jesus and talk to Him throughout the day.

He is right. My life is changed.

I'm falling back to Grace.